Light Up The Darkness
by superasia8
Summary: "Dan..." he speaks again through tears and I quickly cut in. "I'm fine, Phil" I say, my throat tightened. A moment passes and nothing happens but I then feel his soft hands pulling up my chin, making me to look at him. "If you are", he says, his eyes puffy and red as much as mine must be, "then look me straight in the eyes and say it" (for yesiwritephanfiction)
1. It's going to be okay

_**Hi! I'm AreYouHaight and LovesReading and this is my first fanfic in this fandom :)**_

_**I wanted to dedicate this whole fic to *yesiwritephanfiction* who is an amazing writer and a very, very nice human being who helped me a lot, and in general, I just want to thank you for sticking up with me all this time. You're amazing!**_

**WARNINGS: **This story contains a very triggering topics and as far as I don't know if what I write, could trigger, I don't recommend reading it if you get easily triggered.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Dan or Phil! This story is a work of fiction!

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><p><em>One...<em> I set my hand into a fist as I keep a quiet yelp of pain for myself. Should I feel something now? Because this should help me to feel. And all I can feel is _pain_. A pain and slowly dripping crimson down my arm. I can feel something so important, so precious leaving me, a dark, red liquid; blood.

But nothing besides this.

_Two..._ I greet my teeth not to scream. It's difficult because this really hurts.

_This really hurts__,_ my mind proceeds to repeat constantly, like a fire alarms. Not like my mind is able to register anything else lately. It's too stupid to do so. Even interacting with people is more difficult these days. I suck at everything, if you didn't know about it yet.

_Three_. I grip my blade in my hand so hard that I almost hurt myself accidentally.

_Accidentally__, _I say sarcastically in my mind at all those moments I've hurt myself accidentally. I stare at the object between my already bloodied up fingers. It is so small, someone could even think; vulnerable. But yet, with its innocent look; flat surface, only one sharp side and small being; it can do so much damage. It can... huh, I guess it can even end my struggle that other would more likely want to call a beautiful and perfect life.

See, I'm a famous youtuber. I wouldn't be if it wasn't for Phil Lester. He's my flatmate, kinda funny but a weird person. Always positive, bright, looking for the smallest of light even in an endless dark tunnel. He's the only one who I should be thankful for; but not for making me famous, no, this one I could give away to someone else at any moment.

I should be kissing his feet every day not for making me famous over the internet, but for making my days better, for helping me through Uni, through all of my existential crisises. I should be mostly thankful for him as he was the only reason I did not give up completely all this time.

He was there, with me, when I had the darkest thoughts and ideas. He was the only one who did not give up on _me_. He was- I even think he _still _is sure that I can fight _this _off, that I can win.

Because the reason of my problem aren't the haters; no, those I learnt to ignore as they seem to always be and always exist somewhere in the big space of the internet.

The cause I'm doing it, the cause I'm feeling this way is _who _I am. It all lies somewhere there, deep inside my mind. It doesn't look like to ever vanish, it can fade away and stay invisible and blank for some time but it always returns and comes back with an enormous sign which screams widly: "I'm here! You will never get rid of me!"

I lift my blade in the line of my sight and turn it around in my fingers. Still, after all those years I know it, after all those moments spent together, when it comes to things, it's always the same. After all, _it used to be _always this way; quick, frantic, needy, shallow, short.

But everything changes with the time, you know. After all those years I know Blade, she had learnt to know that I need more and more. That I'm not the same desperate emo teen I used to be.

I had grown into more desperate emo man who never seems to have enough of his own blood and pain and scars.

_Three. _I raise Blade to my wrist and as I'm about to cut in my skin, I take in a greedy breath and stop just barely over my skin.

Maybe there's some chance for me? Maybe I can fix things yet? My hands are trembling as I shake my head. _No, no, no. I __**can't**__._

I know I can't. I've tried to live normally, like it never really happened. But all I could do was to pretend nothing happened. I've been putting loads of fake smiles on my face, they seemed to work though.

Phil catched the bait. He thought I was fixed.

And I wasn't.

Pretending didn't help me, it helped the others. Pretending I was alright only made it all worse. Trying to not think at all, only do actions but not _think _didn't give anything more than the worst comeback ever.

I return my gaze from the doors to the blade again. I know what my mind wants to do again. It wants to leave the sharp metal object in hell and stand up from the cold bathroom floor and run all the way up into Phil's room, looking for some sweet words convincing me that everything would be alright, that I can be fixed. But I don't let it to do it. I grasp my hand at Blade even more, staring blankly at it as I come closer with it to my skin.

_Three_. I count in my mind as I nearly hiss from pain and breathe out deeply, trying to stay all the while silent.

Counting helps. It adds some kind of control into my life. I have a feeling that everything is really alright (when it's the exact opposite), that I have it all under control, that I'm able to stop at any moment though I know I can't. I've kept scribbling down in my phone calendar days when I'm doing it. It gave me a false feeling that I know I'm not doing this too much and it also helped me to rememember what have I been doing just a week ago. Which part of my body have I hurt on this or that day.

_Four_. I say inside my mind but my hand won't move now because I've stared down at my arm accidentally. Right, that's the worst thing I could have done now. Staring at my hurt limb, seeing how much blood there is already, I always start to panick. Blade goes down to the floor beneath me, my hands are shaking even more above the bath but I don't let myself sink down too, knowing how much mess I'd have done then. I repeat to myself, quietly whispering,

"No, I need to- I need..." my voice is hoarse and my throat dry as I try to swallow.

I reach out to Blade with my shaking hand. She's laying just right beside me, inconspicious and small but as I work out to get it in my hand, she seems heavier than ever. I feel guilt rushing over me as I remember Phil's words,

_"You can tell me anything, Dan. I promise"._

The only thing I want after this thought is to hurt myself even more. For not telling him, for breaking the promise, for stepping into his life and making him to deal with me. So I cut myself again and again.

_Four, five, six, seven._

The numbers are only numbers and they get lost after some time as I lose myself, as I lose any control over my actions. A weird kind of fog covers my eyes and I can't see anything but my mind is racing. I don't even feel any pain as my head fills with all those moments I don't want to ever remember. All those moments I've lost control and all those things I've found on my body after I regained my clarity.

_I can`t be fixed_, I repeat in my mind, feeling something wet streaming down my cheeks and though I know I'm crying, there is still no sound coming out of my mouth. I've learnt not to cry and even when I do, I do it silently, like someone pointed a remote on me and muted all the audio.

On the beginning, I was proud of it. Thinking "I'm so cool because I've learnt how to not show anyone my feelings, how to not let them notice something is very not okay with me. But then at some point, I wanted to cry. To feel tears and hear my sobs. Hear in how big pain my soul is. But I couldn't even sob and cry!

_So pathetic._ This thought never leaves me. Just like some kind of a very close friend or a puppy; it goes wherever I go and reminds me of its absence on almost my every step. I can't run away from it but neither I want. I know I'm pathetic and if I wanted to say I'm not, I'd lie. And I don't like doing it to my own mind.

"Dan!" someone's voice shouts through whole apartment and I jump on my place, Blade falling down from my hand.

_He was supposed to be editing his video_, I have in mind as I quickly lean down, looking for my small blade to hide it from Phil's eyes.

I don't want him to see it. For some reason, it could make it all awkward. I trace my bloodied fingers on the floor, hoping I'll find it sooner by touch and before I realize that I'm all in my own blood, I hear a soft knock on the door.

"Dan? Are you here?" he asks, his voice calm while I'm still looking for my blade.

_Shit_, I think as I deduct I've lost it somewhere here and Phil is gonna walk in just in a few seconds.

"Dan? You're alright?" Phil questions, his tone not changing but I can tell he's getting a bit scared already.

"Y-yeah, I am" I manage to say but my words must not sound alright to him as he continues on,

"Are you sure, Dan? Can I come in?" I wish I could lock the doors now but Phil's too smart sometimes.

He announced me that he had taken all the locks down after one time when I've cut a bit too deep and I've lost so much blood that I've blacked out on the floor of my room. Phil couldn't then even get to me because I've locked myself earlier. When I regained consciousness, I was lying on my bed and Phil was just about to call an ambulance but I begged him not to do so. We took care of the wounds on our own, okay, mostly it was Phil who took care about my shattered arm because I was too weak to even move a tiny bit.

"Dan? I'm coming" as he finishes his sentence, the door opens, my flatmate stepping into the room. He only glances at me and my arms but his eyes widens. I also look down and then I only see my arm.

It looks horrible, there is so much blood on it that I can't even see my skin. Only blood.

Phil quickly walks over to me, kneeling just beside me, not caring if his clothes get dirty from my blood. No, he cares more about me right now which I wanted to tell him was a stupid thing but I couldn't form much words.

"Phil, you're goin' to get dirty" I almost sound like I am drunk but he doesn't even listen to me at the while.

Grabbing my arm, firmly but gently, he inspects it, silent for a moment.

"Dan..." he whispers and I see few tears already falling down his face. "I didn't know you're still-"

"Doin' what, Phil?" I cut in, sounding like I'm on some drugs. "This?" I lift my arm just a bit because I don't have enough strenght to lift it more. Phil freezes on his place, his eyebrows furrowing as he stares at me, cautiously.

"Did you cut open your veins?" he asks, his voice raising slightly. "Did you?" he questions again, lots of accusation in his words but I don't even have any time to answer as he pulls my arm closer to him. He quickly gets some towels and tries to clean my arm just a bit to get sure it's nothing dangerous.

"No, I don't think so. I don't know. I don't remember" I get to say and it's the most coherent and long sentence I've said so far.

Phil presses the towel to my arm and I let my head fall to my side as I feel _so tired _now. He quickly returns his gaze toward me,

"Hey, Dan" and he clicks his fingers right in front of my face, trying to gain my attention. "You're not sleeping till I know what you did" he says and I feel more guilt washing over me and the first thought that forms in my mind is _Cut._

I blindly reach out my other hand around me, unnecessarily looking for blade which I'm, somewhere deep in my mind, sure that I've just lost irrecoverably.

"Dan... I-" he stops for a moment to wipe the tears away but does not bother to any longer as he still presses the towel to my arm and tries to stop the bleeding wounds. I know it's nothing dangerous. If it was, Phil wouldn't be talking with me right now but rushing over to his phone. "You should tell me, Dan" he tells and I know what he's missing out,

_"You promised me you would"_

"I'm-" I don't know what to say at this point. Will he ever forgive me?

"I'm really sorry, Phil" is all I can say and I watch him change the towel on another one as the one he's holding is already bloodied up.

"Dan... You know I can help you. I'll do anything for you, you know that" he points out but I shake my head at him.

"You did not do anything bad. It's just me who's a failure" Phil freezes for a while, turning his icy blue eyes to me.

"Who said that to you?"

"No one" I say, feeling depressed deep down. Everything is going downhill with every next `_round_`. "No one needs to" I add, closing my eyes. I feel so tired. Though I'm not sure if it's because of the blood loss or because I need to breathe and _live_?

Maybe even both of these things.

"Dan..." he begins but stops. He stares at my arm for a while, "It has stopped bleeding" he stands up from his place, wetting a clean towel with water.

I know this is going to hurt the most. Not cutting, not harming myself but a simple touch of a material against my red, hurting skin.

Phil glances at me for a while,

"It's gonna hurt a little" he says like I never knew about it and then he proceeds to clean my arm. I grip my hands at my black jeans when I feel the cloth on my reddened skin. A hiss escapes my lips as I can no longer hold it. Phil stops right away, looking at me with concern,

"Sorry" he whispers but he's not the one who should be sorry. I don't dare to look him in the eyes as I'm still gripping my jeans and he's cleaning my arm again, although with even more care than earlier.

I can't focus on anything. All I can think about is that I've lied to him, that I've kept the truth away from him, I've broken my promise. I've disappointed him. I feel so much hatred and disgust toward myself that I want to vomit. I don't feel good in my body at all.

"Dan?" Phil suddenly asks, speaking my name so quiet that it would be easy to pretend I didn't hear him. But I can't do this. He deserves my attention, not like I his.

"Yes?" my voice seems so small and fragile. So broken that I hate myself for it. I don't deserve to feel pity to myself, I don't deserve anything at all.

"You-" he starts but stops for a moment and I quickly glance at him. Phil is frozen, towel still in his hand as he stares ahead at my arm. I don't even think he sees it, it looks like he's here but not here.

"You know that we can get you someone. It'd surely help you. You'd feel better..." his voice falters and he takes a deep breath. "Dan... I want to only help you-" he speaks but his voice breaks at the end.

I turn my head away from his, feeling familiar stinging in the corners of my eyes. I feel it building up there and I know I don't have much time before tears will create and fall from my eyes.

"Just let me help yourself, Dan" he nearly whispers.

Seconds of silence pass as I try to control myself. But it's for nothing as after a while, I feel salt water on my cheeks. I don't cry though, just let the tears fall because I know there's no way stopping them now.

"Dan..." he speaks again, through his own tears and I quickly cut in.

"I'm fine, Phil" I say, my throat is so tightened that saying that out loud was physically hard. A moment passes and nothing happens but I then feel his soft hands pulling up my chin, making me to look at him.

"If you are", he says, his eyes puffy and red as much as mine must be in this moment, "then look me straight in the eyes and say it"

I get so lost in his eyes that my tongue is stuck in my throat. I watch him staring at me cautiously but all my mouth is able to product is,

"I can't, Phil. I can't. I'm sorry..." I murmur faintly, with somehow not anger or sadness but reconcillation and kind of surprise because it's really true. I can't tell that everything is alright when it isn't.

Phil keeps his firm gaze on me for a while and he then awkwardly wraps his arms around me, trying to not touch my arm but he accidentally does it anyway. I cringe a bit and he whispers an apology. I don't speak, aware I don't have an idea as to what I should say now. So I just stay still, his warm and comforting body radiating a pleasurable heat against mine.

"It's going to be okay, Dan" he tells me and I try to believe in his lie. "It's going to be okay..."

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><p><em><strong>I hope you liked it and I'll see you again in a not far away future in the next chapters! Have a lovely day! :)<strong>_


	2. Magic of the wall and Hello Kitty

_**Hi! It's AreYouHaight and LovesReading and this is actually a second chapter of this! YAY SO MUCH**_

_**Thank you very much Harry1675 and whitelife for following and for the favorite on this story. I made weird squishy noises when I saw those notifications :)**_

_**Also, thanks to everyone who is reading this ;)**_

**_Now enjoy the unappropriately long chapter! ^^_**

**_ps. don't forget to check notes at the bottom! They may give you some happy sweets!_**

**_WARNINGS:_** depictions of feeling like crap and hopeless, depressing thoughts, and in overall lame jokes

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Dan or Phil. This story is only a work of fiction.

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><p>Sometimes I don't feel like living. It's a quite weird feeling but it happens. Much often recently but I try to not think about this. The worst in all of this is... that I don't even know <em>anything<em>. I know my brain is working, my heart is beating, my pulse is as steady as ever but... the fact is that my mind is a complete mess then. I can't point out any concrete thought because I don't feel like there's any! I can only think that I can't _think _at all and pry for some higher force to free my mind off this invisible power that has a firm grip on it.

I'm just sitting under a wall, lightly hitting my head against a wall, not bothering anyone, just thinking of how _messed up_ I must be to be not able to _think_ when I hear familiar footsteps on the carpet of our apartment. _One, two, three,_ I count his steps and after few next ones I see him, walking up to me, the same concern as always in his bright blue eyes. He casts me a quick glance, probably checking if there's blood somewhere but he doesn't see it so he walks up to me.

I know what he may be thinking now and just as he opens his mouth to say something, I glance down at my hands, avoiding any eye contact with him and I notice that my back actually hurts from sitting in the same position for... hours? I would not be surprised if I was here for _years_. It surely felt like those.

"Dan" his voice is calm and kind of soothing but I know what can come up at any second and I don't want to hear it. "You've been here for _hours_" he says and I narrow my eyes as I think that I was right after all.

_At least I know __**something, **_I think sarcastically.

I don't lift my head to look at him because I can imagine him staring at me in the way telling me he won't let me go unless I answer all of his questions.

But he does not say anything else to my surprise, just sighs at my lack of response. Before I hear his footsteps, I know he walks away and I let out a quiet sigh as he vanishes around the corner. I really don't feel like living today and forming a few words seems to be too much for my stupid mind and mouth. I don't feel like talking with anyone either. Socializing seems to be too hard thing to do today.

My mind slowly wanders off and walks away, just like Phil did. I stare at the wall ahead of me but I don't even see it. I can't gather my thoughts, I can't even gather up my own self. Get myself to stand up, go to Phil, talk and apologize for my stupid self. It's too much.

_Why can't I do anything right? _I scream in my mind, slowly dozing off from the world. I am not a good person, I can't do anything. A lazy butt ass and I only waste space and air. I should've cut my veins better then, I should have done this favour to the universe and get rid off myself forever. They would be better off without me. No one needed to bother with me anymore then.

"I didn't know which one you like more", Phil's voice cuts me off my thoughts and I glance up. He's making his way through the corridor, straight to me, one hand holding a blanket and the other a steaming Hello Kitty mug, "but I bet on this one" he smiles at me and I do everything to not return it. I fail.

"Thanks" I mumble as he hands me a hot, what I discover is, chocolate. Phil takes a seat beside me as I take a small sip and he throws the material over our bodies. I place the empty mug on the floor and wait for him to say something, like always. He doesn't, to my surprise, and we both sit there in silence for a few minutes.

_What is he doing here after all? Does he want to do his 'big talk' again? That maybe I should get some proffesional help?_ I'm guessing and I shift on my place, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. _He shouldn't be here now. So why is he?_

"I always wondered what you were seeing in this wall" he says and it takes me a minute to actually comprehend what he told.

"Huh?" I ask stupidly. Phil just shrugs his shoulders,

"You spend most of your time here, Dan, so I guess there must be something interesting about it" I don't know if this is a question or a statement so I simply nod. I'm still waiting for him to break his little talk and start a serious one, something going on like: _Dan, you need help _or _Maybe you should see a counselor_. But nothing like that has left his mouth yet.

"What is so interesting about this wall, Dan?" he asks again, facing me.

And I think he's making some joke from it but when I turn my head to his, I find his face very serious. I turn away almost immediately, feeling that I can't bear his intense look on me any longer. I stare off into space and for a while it's like there's no one here, like I'm all alone on my own with my empty, stupid brain.

"Nothing, Phil" I say, sounding sad. "That's what it is; nothing. Just a stupid wall"

Phil shifts a bit on his seat and I try to not look at him when he suddenly speaks,

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"About what?" I answer back, being hardly cultural. I really am in no mood to talk today. "A wall?" a sarcastic tone fills my words and Phil stays silent for a few moments.

I regret what I've told right away but Phil doesn't seem offended as he continues on,

"Dan, you know you can tell me everything" he repeats the phrase for I don't know which time and something inside me just breaks and I snap, my voice becoming louder with each next word I say.

"It's all bullshit, Phil! And you know it! I can't tell you about everything because once I did, you'd hate me forever and you wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore!"

"And I _need _you!" I blurt out hastily, my hands flailing around myself. "I can't lose you, you know? I just can't..." I mumble and Phil takes me in his arms and I'm soon quietly sobbing into his colourfull shirt, the exact opposite of my actual mood.

"Dan..." he whispers, creating little circles on my back that send a pleasurable heat to my body. "No matter what you're going to tell me, I'll still be your friend. Because we _are __**friends**_" he says with a pressure. "And this does not mean that we're going to be friends only when there are the good days. Because I'm your friend now too and I'm not going to just run away because you've got problems" he says it in a soothing manner and I sniff quietly, feeling myself calmed down a bit. What Phil said makes me feel more comfortable and maybe I can tell him about the demons...?

_No, you're too much of a coward, _my mind extinguishes any positive thought I have. And I feel myself slipping down again. Phil gives me a small squeeze as he leans away a bit, only to ask, carefully looking into my eyes,

"Do you want to tell me about something then?" he says it with such an easiness visible in his voice that I almost believe it's an easy thing for me to do. Like talking about my problems was one of the most normal things on the world... Not Funny.

"I-" I begin and Phil's eyes go wide as he realizes that I am actually speaking. "I-" is this really all I can stutter out? "I-" my mouth does trick to me and everytime I am almost saying something more, it just shuts down. Or maybe the cause of this is my mind?

"Dan, it's okay, I won't judge you" he tries to settle my nerves down but he has no idea why I wouldn't tell anything more.

Why I _can't_ tell anything more.

My eyes well up with new tears as I realize: _that's it_. I'm just too stupid to even _say_ something out loud and all I do is blame it on the problem that doesn't even _exist_. Phil notices fresh trail of water on my cheeks and he brings his hand to my face and gently wipes it away. My throat is fully tightened now and I feel like I'm holding so much air in myself that it almost hurts.

I begin sobbing and Phil brings my body to his chest right away. I can sense more tears coming as I sob into his shirt, my cries now resembling more of an animal in pain than some actual living human being.

I really wish I could tell Phil about everything but the fact is, when I'm finally ready to do this, I can't!

"Shh... Dan, it's okay, alright?" he begins telling me some of his usual nonsense like that _everything will be alright, I'm here_ and such. And as much as I want to say I don't believe in those sweet nothings of his, it looks as though I do because they seem to calm me down somehow. It's only now I realize Phil is swaying me like a little child and that feels childish but it feels good too. My head is hidden in the crook of his neck and I mumble into his skin,

"I'm so sorry, Phil, I'm so sorry-!" and my mouth shuts down again and I know, that's it, I'm not going to stutter out any more word more.

"No, Dan! Don't be, 'kay?" he tells softly and I feel even more quilty for feeling safe in his arms and thinking for a brief moment: _maybe he won't leave me?_

"You don't have any reason to, alright?" I nod against my own will because what Phil says, sounds so inviting, so _tempting, _so _easy._

_But it is not for you. You don't deserve anything like this_, my mind seems opposite to any change for good and I really have no other choice than to listen to it. It's like they say, listen to your heart, right?

And though my mind isn't my heart, it's not a heart, a simple organ that tells us which job to start, who date, who be friends with. It's always a mind which, in the end, alongside with our experience, thoughts, the things we _know_ about the world and its good and bad sides, takes decisions for ourselves.

Because, have you ever heard about someone's heart making decision in the shop when you're torn between two things and you can actually buy only one?

But back to what I was thinking about from the beginning, I could be ninety nine percent sure my mind was right and does that one percent allowed me to think otherwise? I don't think so.

So I just simply nod to Phil, trying myself to look like I actually believe I have no reson to think badly about myself when all I think in my mind is: _I have tons of reasons to think bad about myself and did you know that one of them is just as simple as it can be, it's that I'm _living_? Oh, and yeah, I'm never going to be alright, I thought once I was going to be and see where I am now? In the exactly same place I was some time ago._

I realize that I'm silent for five minutes already and I know this allows Phil to speak up at any second. I really would like to avoid this and normally, I'd do something to run away from this situation but now? I can't bring myself to create tears or any, even the shortest of sentences because I feel so _empty._

"Okay, Dan..." he says, like it summarizes all the talk we just had now, like he could describe all the world with those two words.

_Okay, Dan._ It's so little, yet so much. He can mean with it that he really believes me, but he can be either just playing along with me. Maybe he has some surprise in his pocket that he can shock me with later on when I'm least expecting it and that's the reason he's pretending he believes me?

My mind races again and he gently pulls up my chin so I'm no longer hiding in his neck and I want to scream: _Leave me here and let me be,_ but instead, I just let myself be pulled up by the chin. Phil stares into my boring brown chocolate eyes and I'm once again amazed by how bright his are. It's surely impossible for a human to have such a vivid color of eyes.

We stay like this for some time and it's like we're having some silent talk only with the help of our eyes. I'd surely laugh now only if I had any strenght to, because this seems funny...

"Let's get up before we get ourselves some cruel cold" Phil says and once again, I just want to laugh because it's so unbelievable that he can be actually naming cold 'a cruel', like it was the worst of diseases on the world.

Phil gets up from the floor and I follow. As he quickly bends down, I notice that he wipes his face with his hand and I wonder,_ is he crying? _But no, I would see that, right? And why would he?

I quickly duck down to get the Hello Kitty mug and Phil says a quiet: 'thank you' but sounds like his throat is tightened.

We silently go down the corridor and I go to the kitchen to place the dirty dish in the sink to later wash it. But when I approach the lounge, I hear a light sniff and suddenly, I feel like a deer in the headlights. I froze on my place and I'm torn between leaving and going in. _Should I stay? Should I go? _and _This is probably my fault_ are the only thoughts jumping all around in my head now.

I peek through the door and see a crumpled Phil on the sofa. He looks so miserable that I want to do nothing else but go up to him and hug him, ask him what's wrong and make him feel better. But when I finally think about this, I actually realise what he can say as an answer...

_I'm fine._

_It's nothing._

_Just a bad day._

But despite those thoughts in my mind, I decide to go in. I silently sit on the sofa and Phil looks up at me, his eyes weary and red from crying but still, a smile appears on his face.

"Hey..." he says, like some sort of greeting and saying "_Yeah, you just caught me crying"._

"Hi" I say quietly and make myself more comfortable on the couch. I haven't decided yet if I'm allowed to but I wrap my arm round Phil, at least as much as the way he's lying lets me to. Phil seems to not mind this at all, in fact his smile grows a bit more and I do everything but not to smile myself. It's hard.

"Wanna play Mario Kart?" he asks out from nowhere, sniffing and as though he tries to regain his composure somehow. Because the bright person, the sunshine in the night has just been discovered being all rainy.

And I shake my head at this. He's just talking to the last person he could tell that the world is all only rainbow and sunshine. Because honestly, I don't believe in this shit.

"No, Phil" I reply firmly, but this isn't actually an answer to his offer but the way he's acting.

"What's wrong?" I ask and watch as he tries to wipe the tears away that create in his eyes again and again. At some point, he just stops, apparently losing the fight and he lets them freely fall down his face. I'm ready to hear the same bulshit I always try to feed him with, something going alongside the lines: _It's just the wind_, _Something got into my eye_ or a simple _I'm fine._

But instead of just simply bulshitting me, he sits up straighter and wraps his arms around my middle, like I'm the only thing keeping him from falling down into the nothingness. He hides his face the way I always try to do and I hug him tighter, giving him some sort of comfort. He laughs but I'm sure he's also crying now.

"Because this is just so unfair, Dan!" he starts and laughs and cries and coughs.

And I think about how much of a burden I must be to him. How much he must be dealing with, how he's more of a parent to me than just a roommate. How much weight I am adding with myself to his daily worries and I speak quietly,

"Maybe I should move out, Phil?"

"What?! No, no, please, don't, Dan!" he almost begs me and that leaves me in so much shock. "Oh, I see..." he says like he's making some assumptions in his head. "So you understood that..." he goes quietly for a moment and I'm more surprised when I hear him laughing a bit.

At this point, I think he just went crazy from dealing with me or he's just laughing because explaining to me that he doesn't want me here anymore went easier than he expected it to.

"No Dan, no" he says and each time he repeats the word _'no', _it makes him sound more and more frantic and terrified. I hug him tighter to my chest as I shush him down, trying to calm him down. I've never realised it's so hard though.

"Hush, Phil, it's alright, ok?" I try but he cuts me in.

"Don't leave me, Dan, please, don't leave me" his voice is so like of a scared child and I want nothing more in this moment but to protect that little kid.

"I won't, okay, Phil? I won't leave you then" I say and that doesn't come to my mind, the blind promise I've just made.

Phil laughs again and that makes me worry about him but when he speaks, my concern eases a little,

"I'm sorry for this, just had, like, too many thoughts on my mind" he hiccups and I chuckle at this.

"It's alright, Phil. Everyone can be sad sometimes" I'm somehow swaying him and I'd stop only if it didn't feel so good.

"But Dan" he protests and I'm ready to start shushing him again but he sounds like he wants to say something so I let him be, "It's so unfair!" he bursts out and I almost don't realise I'm tightening my grip on him, like it would make him feel any bit happier, any bit like his own self.

"Listen now, Dan" he says and that sounds so funny but I don't let myself laugh, just nod at him, assuring him I'm listening to him carefully now.

"You don't deserve to get what you're actually getting from life, you know that?" he stares me into eyes and I stop swaying him, my mouth going wide as his words slowly sink into my ears and travel to my brain. "It's just breaking my heart so much, seeing you so sad and so not happy from life because you shouldn't be feeling like this! You don't deserve this! You're worth so much more and you should never be experiencing any of what you're going through!" there are tears running down his face and I want to wipe them away but I wouldn't trust the very not solid of my hands now.

"And this is just so not fair because from all the people, it's you! And you're such a good human being, you don't even realise that, okay?!" he is nearly screaming now at me but the reason of this isn't me.

The fault isn't mine. It never was. Phil blames the world and he blames it not for getting me as his roommate, no. He blames it for me being the way I am and that makes some pang to my heart and soon enough, there are tears falling down my cheeks too.

"And I so would like to do something about this, just to suck up all of your worries and insecurities away but I can't! And that's so terrifying that I almost can't do anything to make you feel better!" I laugh at this, feeling like this is the time for me to cut him in, because if he keeps speaking this way, he's going to get all of the bad things happening to me on the world account.

"Phil, shush already, okay?" I say softly, and I wipe away his tears as he hiccups and I laugh again. "You can't do that obviously but you so much forget here about what you're actually doing for me" I pull up his chin and he's staring me into eyes with those icy blue and wide of his and I smile at him. "Like, Phil, have you even realized you make me get up from sitting on that floor for hours with just a Hello Kitty mug of hot chocolate in your hand and your well being?" I ask and he's staring at me, his mouth a little opened and it hurts so much not to place a kiss on his lips...

_A kiss? __**What the fuck, Dan? **__Get yourself with, this is not gonna happen, he's obviously not interested in you..._

_No, this is my friend, that's why it's never gonna happen. And I'm his friend. _We_ are friends, we can't be more._

I look at Phil and he notices the pause but I try to make it look like it was meant to be there so I continue on after a second:

"Do you even realise that?" I ask, shaking my head a bit to point it out even more. "And to make it clearer to you, do you realise that you would most probably make me get up from that stupid floor even without the Hello Kitty and all? You could be just owning an empty mug, without a chocolate and you would make me get up from that floor thousands of years earlier than if same Hello Kitty would walk up to me there, having packs of Maltesers and tons of hot chocolate mugs? You do so much to me and you need to know that" I say and silence falls between us for a few minutes.

Phil seems to be yet taking it all in and in one moment, he simply falls into laugh and soon, we're both laughing and it feels so good to me. He places his forehead against mine and just like that, we spend next five minutes. Finally, Phil speaks up:

"Same Hello Kitty, Dan?" he asks, giggling at the same time. I chuckle as I say,

"I needed to explain you this somehow, didn't I?" I lean away slightly to look at him. He's smiling and I want to smile too because he seems happy again.

"What time is it?" he asks finally, bringing me down from all the positive things I've been thinking about. I don't know why but this question makes me think about all the Phil's time I've wasted today and that makes me feel sad again.

"I have no idea" my friend stares at me for a while and he sees it, he knows me all to fucking well.

"What is it?" he asks and just a second before I'm going to bullshit him again, I decide to tell him the truth.

"I don't know" I say, glancing at him sometimes as I speak. "Think I've just realised how much time I've wasted today" I don't tell everything though but Phil seems to understand me.

"It's alright, okay?" he says. "I don't like seeing you sad and if walking up to you and getting you up from that floor with my well being makes you feel just a little bit better, then I'm extremely happy from that achievement" I laugh a little and Phil does too. It's so nice, I would rather stay my whole life here, just doing nothing but it looks like we've wasted lots of time already. I turn my head just a bit as I take my phone out of my pocket.

"Shit, Phil" he throws at me one of his daggers from his eyes when I say it and I immediately mumble 'sorry' for my language. "It's 2 in the morning" I declare and watch as his eyes go slightly wide.

"Well, this happens, Dan" he says after a while when his eyes have a more normal size. I give him a look that can only mean, "You don't say" and he giggles at me and soon, I join in, having no idea how it's all possible.

Just minutes ago, I've been mentally dying on that uncomfortable floor and now, I'm here, almost cuddling with Phil and _laughing_. How did that everything happen?

"Let's make a nest we can sleep in!" Phil happily prompts and I nod, still being surprised by how my mood could change so radically, so fast. He takes my hand in his, which makes me blush from no concrete reason, and leads me to his room because he's got more blankets and pillows than I do from which we can make a comfortable place for sleeping.

As he hits one of his cushions in my face and laughs at my slow reaction, I still can't shake off of that unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach,

_Did __it__ go away for some time?_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Hi! Me again :)<em>**

**_I'm planning on releasing a new story, maybe at the beginning of the next week. _****_"Light Up The Darkness" may then get a bit slow down because it takes me a little longer while to write this story than the one that will appear next week. So, please, understand this and while waiting for next chapter of this, I'll try to entertain you (and maybe make a bit scared? ^^) with a new story._**

**_I hope this chapter was good and we'll meet in the notes at the beginning of the next week maybe? *winks unappropriately*_**

**_BYE and HAVE A GOOD DAY!_**


	3. Weird thoughts

_**Hi, AreYouHaight and LovesReading here! You're going to read another part of my story and I hope you'll like it!**_

_**Thanks for the follows and favorites on the last chapter to RainbowdashII and Sinncity! And thank you, yeah, YOU, for reading this weird thing ;)**_

**THE TITLE** **is actual words of Bob Marley.**

When asked how he could perform 2 days after being shot: _"The people who were trying to make this world worse are not taking the day off. Why should I? Light up the darkness."_

**WARNINGS:** depictions of urge to self-harm

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Dan nor Phil, they're human beings and live their own lives. This is only a work of fiction.

* * *

><p>My sleep is interrupted when a delicious smell catches my attention. I slowly open my eyes and smile slightly as I hear Phil quietly humming some song in the kitchen. I carefully come out of the blankets and pillows that meant to resemble a nest, trying not to break what we've created earlier. But when I finally work my way out of the pile of materials, I notice that the nest is no longer what it should be.<p>

Grimacing at this, I quietly leave Phil's room, tiptoeing to get to mine and change in some new clothes.

"Dan, I can hear you!" Phil yells from the kitchen and I freeze in the middle of our hall. For a while I don't know if that's a really bad thing but I then shrug it off.

"I know!" I shout back and I hear him giggling. Smiling to myself, I take steps in the opposite direction than my room, the beautiful aroma getting clearer as I get closer to the kitchen.

Before I go through the door, I check if the glass door are closed and I hear Phil laughing,

"You can come in, Dan. The door is opened!"

I look at Phil suspiciously and still wave my hand at the doorstep. It's clear.

I walk into the room and Phil glances at me from the oven, smirking,

"You didn't believe me, did you?"

"Never know when you decide to pay me back" he laughs at me and I step closer, "What are we having for breakfast?"

"I went super high with my cooking skills and made some bacon!" he says and makes few circles in the air with the wooden spoon he's holding. I laugh at the view and when he turns around again, I sit down on the nearest counter. Watching him pay all the attention to the pan is an interesting thing for me to do in the morning. I would definitely like it to become a more frequent activity.

"How are you today, Dan?" Phil suddenly speaks up and looks at me. I glance down, suddenly feeling too self conscious about myself, about my attitude, about how I act, which angle I'm holding my head, generally, everything.

I fiddle with my pajama shirt for a while, my eyes hover round long, a bit faded scars from the previous 'accident'. I think of that day, (or was it a night?) about the unspeakable pain I was in, of the swirling, dangerous thoughts in my mind and I compare that mood to today's.

For a while I'm silent. I feel Phil's eyes on me the whole time and I smile lightly as I say,

"I am fine, thank you" it feels weird for this to come out of _my_ mouth but by some really twisted way, it's truth. I don't lie, I feel _good _in my body, my mind is clear and the thoughts are _gone._

I look up at Phil, he's watching me so carefully, with so intense but puzzled expression on his face that I want to wipe it off of his face with a kiss_- Wait. What the actual fuck, Dan?!_

"Aaaaand what about you?" I blurt out quickly, trying to block out or at least silence the crazy thoughts. Phil furrows his brows at me, obviously surprised by my behavior but I act like I don't see it.

"Ugh, I had-" he glances down briefly, like he wants to avoid eye contact for any cost, "yyy... a great night, thanks" he mumbles, visibly blushing and tries to cover it as he turns around to the oven again. For a split second, I wonder why did his cheeks go slightly red but maybe it was just my imagination?

"Oh nooo" Phil suddenly whines then quickly turns off the oven. He takes the pan which no longer smells nice and hastily throws it into the sink, jumping up on his place. "Freakin... agh!" he squeals, almost cursing. _Almost._

I get up from the counter and he turns around to me. He's waving his hand quickly which seems red and before I _think_, I take his hand in mine, stopping it from any more moving. My brain catches up with my body right now and I realize what I've done.

_Too late._

"I- ugh, I need to check if it didn't, ugh... you know" I try to explain.

_Yeah, I should shut up already._

I take his hand closer to my face, inspecting it. It's really red and seems to be pulsing, I guess it must hurt him much. But it's nothing bad, it's not anything close to the 'accident' I once had with a kettle...

I stop any further thoughts before my mind gets infected with the past. I don't want it to ruin what's now and now is good.

_Just don't think about that day._

I glance at Phil for a while. And it's weird what I see because he's looking at our hands, like it's some brilliant piece of art.

_No, that absolutely must be my imagination._

"I'll get you some cold water" I mumble awkwardly, walking up to the cupboards and taking out the biggest cup I can find. I hear how Phil shuffles his feet on the kitchen floor as he approaches me.

"Can't I just get it under running water?" he asks, standing next to me, watching me with those blue eyes and I mentally slap myself for my stupideness.

"Umm, yeah, yeah... I mean, yeah, you can do it" I say, feeling socially so awkward that I want to get out of this godamn room and find some comfortable hole to hide myself in.

Phil moves a bit, holding his hand with the other,

"Can you...?" he questions, motioning with his hand at the tap.

"Oh, yeah, I..." I turn on the water with one smooth motion, thanking whatever higher power exists that I am at least able to do _that_ without making things awkward. "Here you go..." I say but that only makes me feel more awkward.

_Why do I need to be this way?_

"I'll go to look for bandages on this. You'll need some..." I mumble, feeling myself only more failing at talking so I quickly leave the kitchen, head down, my cheeks burning from my own embarassment. I go into the bathroom, looking at myself in the reflecting glass and I take a deep breath out. I lean my head on the cool tiles, liking the coolness as I repeat in mind,

_What the fuck, Dan? Can you make it even more awkward?_

After a while or so when I recover my confidence, I open up the cabinet. I rummage through it for a long time before I finally find some clean and useable bandages. I calculate in my head if it's enough but before I do, I hear Phil's shouting from the kitchen,

"Dan!" I get a little deja vu from the question and the place I'm in but I shake myself off of it fast.

_Not now, stupid brain._

"What's up?" I scream back, eyeing the content of cabinet. I wonder if what we go is enough.

"I think it doesn't hurt so much anymore" he says, his voice loud enough so I hear him.

"Okay! I'll be in a minute!" I say, taking the bandages with me as I quickly return to the kitchen.

Phil's where he was earlier and the atmosphere feels as though it eased a little. I go up to him and place the stuff I brought on a cupboard. Taking his hand in mine again, to check if it's better, it doesn't feel awkward this time. I gently trace my fingers around the reddened area and Phil lets out a quiet groan.

"Sorry, I'm just making sure where does it hurt" I say, looking at him for a second. He's staring right at me and I lower my head immediately, my cheeks burning but just a little bit.

"It's nothing bad honestly" I establish, turning his hand a bit more before I let it go and take the bandages, turning to Phil,

"I just hope it will be enough because we have kind of run out of this" I tell as a familiar feeling of guilt runs through me. I'm almost sure I'm the one who used nearly all of them.

I wrap the material around Phil's hand with care because burns hurt so freaking much. I finish, tying up a little cute bow with the material.

"Done" I announce triumphally. I haven't done this for so long because it just is this way that lately Phil is the only one to take care of any of my '_happenings_'. So I'm quite satisfied with what the final effect is.

"Thanks!" Phil says, grinning at me. I smile back at him, his enthusiasm looking funny to me.

"So what are we going to have on breakfast then?" I ask, actually having in my mind what the answer will be.

"Are cereals okay?" Phil's question doesn't surprise me even a bit. Sometimes we're almost living on cereals. So I get the answer I expect the most but there's genuine guilt in his voice and an idea rises in my head,

_Kiss him now and tell him how amazing he is, how it's not his fault and how silly he is right now for acting like this._

"Eee..." I stumble over words, a bit distracted by my thoughts, I then recall myself what we are talking about, "yeah, it's alright, fine, ugh, yeah"

Phil stares at me all the time I reach out to the cupboard and put out two different boxes of cereals, shaking them a bit,

"Which one?" I ask the question not only to make sure which one he wants but also to divert his attention from me.

"Oh..." he says, for a while staying silent. "Shreddies, please" I put back the other box into the cupboard, deciding I may also try these today.

Just as I close the cupboard, Phil is out of a sudden right next to me and I feel a wave of emotions run through me and kind of _affection_ toward him.

"Are you okay, Dan?" he looks at me, his eyes seem so concerned that I really want to kiss him now to let him now I'm alright. For a while, I just stare at him, at his beautfiul eyes but that's until I shake myself out of my haze,

"Y-yeah... Yeah, of course, I am, Phil" I stumble again but somewhere in the back of my mind, I ask myself, _What the fuck is wrong with you, Dan?_

* * *

><p>"I'm coming out to buy some milk!" I hear Phil yelling.<p>

I'm laid on the couch in the lounge, a book is covering my face so he can't see me when he steps into the room. Obviously, I can't read a godamn book because all what is on my mind right now is Phil fucking Lester.

"Do you want me to get you something?" Phil asks as he wraps a scarf around his neck which would be most probably so soft to kiss and maybe even leave a hickey on...

"NO!" I scream a bit, making him jump. _Gosh, what am I doing?_

"No, Phil, no, I don't need anything" he freezes on his place on hundredth percent as I notice his movements stop, a sudden lack of rustling of his jacket. I close my eyes when I feel that he takes the book from my hands, kneeling down by the couch.

"Open your eyes, Dan" he says softly and I shudder at the closeneness of his voice. I quickly blink, trying to get a small view of what he wants to do. He laughs at me and my heart falls as this sound seems so _perfect._

"Dan, please" he whines and I slowly crack one of my eyes open, and then the second one. I almost jump as I once again realize we're so close.

"Dan... Is everything alright?" he asks, staring into my eyes. He looks down for a moment and then at me again, covering my hand with his own and my heart literally falls on the floor in this moment. "Are you fine? You've been acting kind of..." he pauses, "different and..." he sighs.

"Dan... Just tell me that you won't do anything stupid when I'm not here, okay? I don't want you to get hurt, please" last words are spoken quickly, like they are rushed.

For a moment, I don't say anything, my brain is still processing what Phil said. My mouth hangs slightly open and I quickly shut it, reminding myself I'm not alone in the room and currently watched. Phil is still worried about me and I don't want him to be.

"I'm really fine, Phil, 'kay?" I glance at our hands for a brief moment, wishing that we were something 'more'. But I'm sure Phil doesn't want us to be anything more, I don't deserve him after all.

"So why were you soo..." he extends the word. I notice he doesn't know how to precise what he wants to tell so I cut in.

"I'm alright, just..." I take a breath out. I glance at him for a while, then at our hands and think of what would happen if I told him about my thoughts. I stare at him again.

"_I want to kiss your lips at every godamn occassion, that's it, Phil"_ is what is nagging at the back of my mind and wants to slip past my own lips. But I can't say this out loud because Phil doesn't want me the way I want him.

_What? 'Want' him?_

_Do I want him? Is that why I am acting this way?_

"I just, I have something on my mind" I say, hoping he would just leave the topic.

"Can you tell me what it is?" he asks, looking at me again with _those _eyes.

"Umm, it's stupid, Phil" I say, looking down at my lap.

"Daaan" I lift my head up, a sudden urge to _tell him _comes through my mind but I fight this off. I search for some excuse of something, _anything_ to get out of this situation. And then my eyes land on his bandaged hand,

"It's just, ugh, we don't have any more bandages and, umm, I feel kinda quilty for it now and..." I trail off, realizing how ridicolously dumb this sounds and I look down, my cheeks burning.

"Oh Dan" he says, his voice soft and I glance up. He squeezes my hand a bit, "It's not your fault at all. Don't worry about it, I'll buy some when I find a pharmacy. Is that alright?" he asks and I just nod, feeling if I speak up, I can fuck up all my imagined excuse.

He gives my hand a final squeeze before he stands up,

"I should be back in an hour or so. Call me if you need anything" he tells while correcting his fringe. As he walks out the room, he shouts, "Bye Dan!"

After a second I hear our door slum shut and I let out a long sigh. A relief washes over me and my muscles relax a bit. Only now I realize how uncomfortable that talk made me feel.

I place the book on the place beside me and I hide my face into my hands.

_I'm so fucked now, _I think.

_Why the freaking frick do I think like this about Phil?_

* * *

><p>The days slowly go by and Phil finally forgets about this day.<p>

At least, I'm hoping he does. Because I wouldn't ever want to ruin our friendship, if I lost him, I don't know what I would do. He is like, literally often and more often the only thing keeping me going. Nothing else or no one else can make me happy the way Phil does.

But sometimes, even he isn't enough.

I'm currently scrolling through Tumblr, having myself searched earlier something funny or inspiring. But all that every picture says, makes no sense to me so I end up just scrolling down, my eyes not even reading anything.

Because my mind is lately too occupied thinking about Phil.

How amazing he is, how gorgeous he looks, how generally _perfect_ he is. How it would be to feel his lips on mine, how it would be to hold him but not in a way a friend does.

But that takes only one half of my thoughts. Because the other is too busy with fighting off the demons. With miserable effect as they seem to win, making my hand to type in a different tag into the Tumblr search.

Soon, I'm watching different gifs but this time, my mind pays full attention to them. I see lots of bloody gifs, depressing texts written on a black background, just making it all more sad and depressing. Making me think about how worthless I am and... ugh.

I sigh slowly at the familiar tingling in my fingertips, their desire to have a grip on something sharp, something which can ace without any difficulity a barrier that is human skin...

I sigh again.

I sense myself getting more and more excited about the awful idea I have in my mind. I think how long it has been, how I'm curious how it feels like and how I _want to_ feel it again.

_Just do it. Do it,_ my mind tells me but I shush it right away.

_I've been clean for so long, why would I stop it now?_, I think and throw my phone on the bed beside me, like it's some kind of poison.

A few minutes pass by and I'm still lying on my bed. But my hand does it again, one freaking time again, doing something against my will. It's moving toward the device, slyly keeping a slow speed so I don't notice it.

But I do and as I almost get my phone into my hands, I stop my limb.

_I can't watch this. It's gonna trigger me._

_But just one more time, Dan,_ my mind suddenly decides to speak up, _It won't hurt you, you're not breaking the promise, it's always better than the other way, right?_

_Right, _I tell, reaching for my smartphone, sliding my thumb across the screen to unlock it.

_Wait, what? You can't do this, Dan, it will trigger you, you'll want it again_, a wise part of me says but it's too late as my eyes are already absorbing the images like a dried out plant after a long lack of water in their system.

Blood, blood, blood. That's the main topic of the posts. It's nearly the only topic.

Whenever I look, it's this. This or depressing topics brought up by of other people who can't see their point in life, any future for themselves. All they can see in front of their eyes is nothingness.

_Just like I do._

I shrink at this thought and pull up my covers over me, wishing to disappear from the world. I don't want to ever get up and show to anyone. Why would I even want to?

I'm not special than any other seven billions of people on the Earth after all.

The thought itself makes me feel alone and I dump the phone somewhere in the sheets, feeling I don't need it to feel awful. Because I already do. I crumple on the bed under the covers, trying to appear to myself as small as I only can. Because, in fact, I _am _small and insignificant.

I sigh again, running my hand through my hair. The urges are strong and I hug myself, trying to stay away from them. But they're all in my mind and I can't get them out. They aren't just a leaf that gets stuck in your hair which you can remove, they are like a nagging dog that needs to go out to pee. And what do you do? Do you leave it inside or do you take it out?

_No, DAN. You __**can't **__do this._

But the thought itself isn't enough to prevent me from getting up from my bed. Even my earlier thoughts about tiny meaning in the world do nothing when I compare them to the thoughts as to what's gonna happen, what I'm going to _experience _again.

I get overly excited and I almost jump out of my bed, putting on me some random clothes as I get to the door. As I open them, I nearly bump into Phil,

"Oh, sorry" I say quickly, wishing to be already near the front door or even behind them.

"You're going somewhere?" Phil asks and I must imagine that his face fell down in disappointment.

"Yeah, actually I am" I say, nearly forcing my way through him but in the end I succesfully and politely squeeze beside him in the free space that is left in the doorframe.

"Dan!" he nearly cries out and I look behind myself, turning to face him.

He's covering his mouth with his hand and he looks surprised, like he didn't really mean to shout. "Wh-where are you going?" he nearly stumbles out and I knit my eyebrows, confused a bit. This sounds like he really wanted to say something else.

"Oh, I just- I'm going out for a walk"

_A walk that I need._

_A walk that will bring me something I really need._

"Do you, umm... mind if I go with you?" he asks and I almost choke on the air that I breathe in.

"I- yeah, you can" I respond, my brain already thinking of how I can get out of his sight for a few minutes, quickly go into the nearest shop where I can find something sharp and get back so he doesn't notice me go missing.

Normally, I wouldn't mind having Phil walk with me at all but today? It ruins my _idea_.

"Okay" he tells, smiling, "I'll just go and change"

"Yeah, I'll wait here" I answer and he disappears behind the door of his room. I breathe out deeply, trying to calm myself down. I've been so hyped up for getting a new _friend _to help me so now that I can't, I feel a bit shaken and like I lack in control.

"Hey, I'm free to go now" Phil yells a bit from his room. "Dan... You're alright?" he questions when he returns, looking down at my hands. I do too and I then notice their evident shaking.

"I'll be back in a second. I forgot my phone" I say hastily, getting back into my room.

As I'm inside, I lean my head hard against the cold wall, trying to calm down.

_The fuck you tremble? Stop it now. There's nothing to react on so much, _I tell myself.

After a few deep breaths in and out, I'm trembling visibly less. I then get to my bed and find my phone, laying on the edge of my bed. Another inch and it would be down and broken probably.

_Great, Dan. Keep doing things like this._

I go out after I make sure I have everything I need. Phil's waiting for me right beside the door.

"I got it" I smile, shaking my phone at him and I add, "We can go now"

We both put on our coats and soon, we go out, the afternoon sun shining brightly into our eyes.

_How am I going to keep calm beside Phil when I want to hurt myself so badly?, _I wonder and when my hands starts to tremble again, I hide them in my pockets.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Hi, I'm back to school now and I can't find the time to currently write andor update so it'll pass some time before a new chapter will be out. _****_Sorry for this. _****_Also, is it only me who thinks this past week was totally crazy? _****_Thank God it's Friday tho... ;)_**

**_The last thing, have you seen the photo cover of my story? Ha, I'm really surprised it turned out that well, it looks like the skills stayed somewhere :D_**

**_I hope you enjoyed this and I'll see you next time! _****_Bye and have insanely good weekend!_**

**_Ps. I'm thinking of a posting schedule. I'd update every two weeks but I'm not sure bout this, like with the school and life in general._**

**_Pps. when I'll be updating again, it'll be a new chapter of Innocence Taken so if you're reading that story, you can await it in a close future (I hope xD )_**


	4. How to leave without hurting others

_**Hi! It's been a looong time, almost a month, hasn't it? ;)**_

_**Ok, so I was AreYouHaight and LovesReading but changed to superasia8 from now on! ^^**_

_**Ugh, I needed to shorten the title of the chapter, whole is: How to leave without hurting the ones you love.**_

_**Thanks to Shizuka Kitsune, xPaperheartsx, witbeyondmeasureXOX and .I' for follows and favorites and thanks to everyone who reads this story!**_

IMPORTANT INFO FOR EVERYONE WHO READS: When there'll come a pagebreak, immediately start playing 'It is hard to say goodbye' by Michael Ortega. Just load it up now and when the pagebreak comes, just go for it and be Phil! (I mean... you'll know when the time comes ;)

**WARNINGS: **self harm, scars, triggering images, blood

**DISCLAIMER:** Obviously, I don't own Dan nor Phil. This story is a work of fiction!

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><p>The sun is up on the sky and it kinda hurts my eyes as I take next steps on the pavement. Dan is walking beside me and the air around us is filled with my own voice as I babble on about really nothing, just talking about weird animal facts. As always, to be honest.<p>

"Did you know that llamas are very intelligent, but stubborn animals?" I question Dan, not really giving him any time for an answer as I still continue on. "Like, when you load too many things on their back, they will refuse to carry it until you get some of it removed. Did you know about this?" I finish with a quirk of my eyebrow and look at Dan.

But I notice he's kinda not Dan-ish though I can't exactly tell what it is. But I can for sure _feel_ that something's off about my friend.

"Hey, is something wrong, Dan?" I ask softly and in the same moment, I notice his hands are shaking. Like, really badly. Not like when you are cold or when you're stressed. I could only imagine that badly shaking with a person who's _addicted_ to something and I shudder physically at the thought.

"Huh? What? No, I didn't" he replies on my earlier question then he looks up and I can sense some kind of weirdness in him, I can see a glint of madness in his eyes and I'm honestly scared. But not _of _him, never in my entire life. My fear is that I feel he's hurting in some way and I'm worried and frightened about the same idea. More about the fact that I don't know what seems to be the problem.

_"Okay, Dan, please, just stop this now, okay? Stop this facade you're putting on yourself, stop pretending and hiding from me! Just tell me what's wrong, please. Cause I'm worried about you"_

Unfortunately, those things are said out loud but only in my mind. It's like getting myself a blocade instead of words getting out of my mouth. _Thinking _those questions is easier. Much easier compared to what if I had to _say _them to Dan. Face to face, nose to nose. If I was to ask him what's wrong. Because sometimes it's easier to pretend that I believe in his lies than to break the acting he's showing me and break through it all.

The bubble is safe. And though I would rather most probably stay in it, I decide I won't.

I need to be there for my friend. I need to make sure what's wrong. Even if it will be a very hard task for me to do.

We soon approach the coffee bar I chose and I feel my hands are sweating. After all, the reason I want Dan here, is to have a really serious talk with him. About what I've lately realized, what I want to tell him about. I quickly dry my hands on my jeans before I open the door and let Dan in first.

The cafe is tiny but it only gives it a special climate, making the clients feel the intimate and friendly aura around the place. The tables are spaced out in small but somehow big distances. On every surface you can find some candles or at least a tiny bouquette of flowers in even tinier and cuter vase. Everything about here is perfect for the idea that I have in my mind. It's as though it should be easier now for me, with all the circumstances, but I still feel anxious about how he's gonna react, if he's gonna be very confused with it, if he's gonna reject me totally.

Cause he's all too perfect for me and deep inside in my heart I know I don't deserve him.

"Phil? Is this one okay?" Dan's voice snaps me out of my track of thoughts. He's standing beside one table, it's the farest one, staying out of most people's eyes and I nod at him, walking inside and a bit awkwardly closing the front door as I've been standing there for a while. Dan takes off his coat and throws it at the backrest of his seat as I make my way through to him and follow in suit.

Just as I'm free of my clothes and the scarf, I stand up about to go the counter.

"Will you go with the caramel machiatto, as always, or do you wanna try something new?" I question Dan, smiling at him as I look over him. He looks absent though as he nods at me, his eyes laid on his phone in his hands. It's a bit scary 'cause I can see it again, the weird glint he has in his eyes, like a little fog covers his brown pupils and that adds me more concern.

"Okay, I'll be back in a second" I tell, walking away and leaving him alone with his phone.

The girl smiles at me and I smile back. I order our coffees, leaning on the counter. I glance at Dan and my lips form a smile which fades as soon as I notice Dan's hands are shaking again. I wrinkle my forehead as I try to understand the reason of this. Now it surely couldn't be the cold or anything he would come up with at the moment. There's got to be something else behind it, I believe. People don't just tremble like that on a daily basis.

"Anything else?" the girl asks and I return my attention to her, politely refusing. I take out my wallet and pay for our drinks and then I get them in my hands, silently praying for my clumsiness not to take over which would cause me to spill our coffees all over the floor. Luckily, I manage to somehow manevour myself to our table without making any mess. How I did that, I think I'll never figure out.

"Hey, Dan, here's your coffee" I say happily, taking the seat next to him and placing the mug in front of him. He suddenly wakes up from his daze, almost throwing the phone on the floor but he ends up placing it on the table. His eyes dart around to me, having some wild expression in them and I impulsively ask him if he's okay. He stands up quickly, his movements even more rushed.

"I just gotta to use the restroom" he hastily blurts out, dashing off to the bathrooms and I'm left both confused and worried.

I wait for a few minutes and when he still doesn't come back, my eyes spot his phone which he left on the table. Mentally cursing at myself for what is invading someone's privacy, I take his mobile phone and unlock the screen, all the time keeping an eye on the bathroom door not to get caught. As I swipe my finger across the screen and it loads up on Tumblr application, I just thank to God he doesn't have any blocade put on it.

When the photos and gifs finally come in view, my eyes open widely. The images of blood, sliced arms are before me and I can't stop myself from covering my mouth in shock.

_Is this what Dan was looking at? Is this why he reacted this way?_

I quickly scroll up, just checking how much he's been watching but as I'm about to, a particular picture catches my attention, the last one he saw, probably.

It's just a simple image of an old black VHS videotape with the specific note at the bottom to _"Insert this side into recorder" _and _"Do not touch the tape inside" _but it's what's written on it that makes my heart sink and I want to cry but at the same time do something, do anything to convince Dan he's worth so much more than he thinks he is.

On the blank white space where's the place to put a description of the film are words,

_How to kill yourself without hurting the ones you love._

Only a second after, I hear the door slowly opening and closing and I fastly put his phone back on the table. I wipe away the beginnings of my tears that would like to give their way. I can't let him know I've seen it, at least not here, not in public.

Dan finally joins me and I closely look at him, trying to spot any differences from what would be a more normal Dan. I notice his hands are not shaking anymore and in general, he looks a bit more... in control. I could maybe even say that he's too calm right now.

For next forty minutes I try to get Dan in some absorbing topics to talk about but Dan's just mind-absently stirring up his coffee, not even touching it. My smile drops at this and I forget immediately about the purpose I took Dan here. I decide I need to take my friend out of here the fastest and talk with him instead.

"Dan..." I start and he surprisingly lifts his head and looks at me. "I think we've been occupying this place for too long" I say, cracking a smile which doesn't seem so sincere and confident as I can read question and confusion from Dan's facial expression. However, he doesn't object.

We both get up, putting our coats on us as we leave the place. As we get closer to our house, I still haven't come up with an idea of how to ask Dan about this. I need to do this gently so he won't freak out or close himself to me.

I can't let myself cause this.

Not again.

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><p>"Daan...?" I call out as I'm standing in the doorframe but I stop in the moment I hear few notes coming from the piano. I quietly walk a little closer to the door of his room. I see Dan sitting in the butt chair in front of the piano and I smile a little when I hear him playing next notes.<p>

Though I can't see him from where I'm standing, I'm sure his face is concentrated as he always wants to bring up the best emotions and tunes from the instrument. I think it's been a few months since he played so I don't interrupt him, just listen as he plays, watch as his slender fingers slowly move across the keyboard as the rhythm is calm at the beginning. Dan looks beautiful.

The song he's playing brings me an image of someone losing a very important to them person. They must be in a very deep grief, feeling a little lost as the person they loved most is no longer with them and it's hard to believe that they will never come back. Human's life is so fragile after all. Only one stronger blast of wind and we're gone. Nothing lasts forever, the gold, everything we have means nothing when we compare them to the unbearably trudging time.

Time. It's eating us. Every second really makes us older, every action only brings us closer to our inevitable death and we really can't do anything about this.

_No, Phil, that's not a good way for you to think. You have life, okay and you need to live it the most you can, make your life the best you can, _my mind tells me but my thoughts already won this battle.

I feel like the music shouts now, someone's shouting after lost person, they're crying, I can almost hear them saying, "Why did you leave me?". The notes Dan plays hurt, as there's sadness and regret in them, like it's him asking the world, _Why did you leave me?_, like he's asking why I left him, why I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most. And I know I fucked up, even if he can't see this. I know better.

A lot of times I should have seen something's wrong and I was blind, I didn't see he was hurting. His smiles, his jokes looked real to me, he was pretending so well, I couldn't see past his facade. But a few weeks ago, his barricade he's been putting in front of me broke. And I can see he's broken and I can hear it in the music. I feel his hurt, his feelings. Everything he's been trying to hide from me, seeps from him, from the notes. His experiences, his frightened soul goes through his scar covered skin and I see he's lost and scared. I _hear _it.

As we all are. No one really knows where life leads us and where we're gonna get in a few years. That's scaring us most, I think. The unknown of the life.

I listen to the song and it carries me away, the sadness and beaty of it both frightening and amazing me. As beautiful as it is, it's sad and as the song ends, the last notes echo in the room. There's a complete silence for a moment and I recall the whole song again, little parts of it and how beautiful they sounded.

Fragile, weak, heavy, sad.

_Beautiful_.

I then come back into reality, shrugging the music out of my ears and I can hear our both heavy breathing and now I only realize I can taste salty tears in my mouth. They're leaving my eyes and making a little race down my face, every one of them trying to be the first one down.

I take a deep breath as I wipe my face with my hand, slowly making my way to Dan. As I get closer to him and I shook him gently, he jolts awake, his own hand quickly trying to hide the fact there are tears on his face too.

"Dan..." I say, my voice coming out a little hoarse from the emotions. "This was beautiful..." I whisper, still impressed by the song and the effect that it has on me. Dan looks up at me and I see a silent, _no, it wasn't_, written on his face but I shush him right away.

"No. It was. It was beautiful, it was the best thing I've ever heard in my life, there were so many emotions there..." I say and Dan sniffs a little. I turn him to face me and put my arms in front of myself, offering him a hug. Dan accepts it right away and he hides his head in the crook of my neck as I wrap my arms around him. We hug each other for a few minutes until I think Dan has composed himself a bit.

"Hey, are you okay to talk now?" I ask and he nods against my shoulder, taking a deep breath. "I... I don't want to sound like I'm... ugh" I stop.

How should I even ask him about this? After all, I am the one who took his phone and though I shouldn't do this, I think if I was to decide again, I would still check his phone.

"Dan" I start, choosing to just go straight with what I have on my mind. "I've seen your phone" I try to sound as gently as I can but just as this leaves my mouth, I feel that his whole body tenses. He suddenly goes silent and I wonder what he's thinking about right now.

"W- what?" he finally speaks up, looking up at me with red but now also scared eyes. I quickly swallow and take a deep breath as what I'm going to ask him feels like the hardest thing for me to do. Even finding out that he leaves scars on his body was easier than this because it feels like I'm stepping onto a very thin ground called _privacy_.

"I... I've seen your phone" I repeat again, just feeling like I need to so he doesn't misunderstand me. "I didn't mean to but, fuck, I'm worried about you, Dan" I say, glancing at him and trying to read his expression. It's somewhere between shock and frightness and anger. I quickly add as I don't like the last one,

"D-Dan, I'm sorry for this but, look, I was worried! You were acting really weird" as the word comes out of my mouth, I regret it as Dan looks up at me, his face indicating that he thinks I betrayed him, "and I just needed to know what made you act this way!" I now realize I raised my voice and I lower it right away.

"Dan, please, can we talk about this?" I ask softly, wiping my forehead in a tired demeanor. I feel like this is getting out of my control and it leaves me worried and guilty that I didn't know my friend has been triggering himself with some Tumblr images through almost all day today.

"Dan, I've seen how badly you were shaking, I-"

"Get out" the demand is nothing more than a growl.

I freeze suddenly, staring at Dan like I'm hearing him for the first time in my life. But only when I find his eyes, I can see that they're all puffy and red. I take one step into his direction, an authomatic thought to hug and comfort him comes to my mind but that's when his next sentence stops me in my tracks.

"I s-said get out" he repeats, his voice weak and fragile, his head bent down.

I don't wanna to do what he says as after a second, I notice a trail of tears running down his face and onto the carpet floor.

"Dan-" I try again, this time even more softly but Dan suddenly gets up from the chair, his attitude a little agressive yet fragile and just defensive as he lifts his hand, pointing it at the door, whispering,

"Please, get out, Phil"

"But-"

"GET OUT" this time he screams as he starts flailing his arms all at me, not really doing any harm to me. "Just get out, Phil, leave me alone, please!" he half mumbles, half screams as he tries to lead me out of the room.

"No, Dan, I'm not leaving, we need to talk about this-"

"No, we don't. Just get out, Phil" he says, pushing me forcefully out the room.

That's the moment I grab his arms, not meaning to hurt him in any way but only to stop his actions. Dan though lets out a quiet squeak as he tries to get out of my grip but in the same moment, lots of bulbs turn on in my head as his reaction does not seem normal to me. I make a quick move, not thinking much, catching his arms in a dead grip as Dan tries to escape me, questioning me, his voice sounding nearly frantic,

"What are you doing, Phil?!"

I slowly but surely lift his sleeves up and what I see makes my breat hitch in my throat as I stare at his fresh scars, messily made, all geometric rights and anything else forgotten.

"When...?" I whisper but I think I already know the answer to this. He stops squriming and completely freezes as he turns his head to mine, his cheeks full with tears.

"When did this happen, Dan?" I ask once again, my eyes fixed at his arm from which I just can't look away. I glance at Dan for a moment and notice that his composure faltered, his back slouched as he gives up under my questions.

"I- I... I'm sorry, Phil, I'm so fucking sorry..." he only mumbles as I let go of his arm and he quickly dashes beside me, leaving me in his room. For a while, I just stand there, trying to understand _when_ and just how could I not notice something is not okay with him. But then I recall that, in fact, I have _seen _that something is wrong, I just didn't know what it is.

"Dan?" I call through the apartment as I move from my place, walking towards the bathroom from which I heard earlier how Dan slammed the door. I knock slightly on the wood, leaning on it, attempting for my voice to sound gently and not as worried as I truly am because, being honest, I'm scared about him, "Dan? Can we talk about this?" I ask, pressing my ear to the door only to hear sob coming from the inside.

I take a deep breath before I quietly open the door. I take one fast look around the room to locate Dan on the floor, crumpled in the smallest human ball I think is possible. His arms are exposed, his new wounds hitting me with the littles bit of trails of blood as Dan dugs his fingers into them.

"Oh no, Dan..." I whisper, more to myself as I quickly walk up to him, sitting on the floor next to him. I take his hands away from his arms as he lets out another cry and I hug him tightly to my chest as his tears slowly stain my shirt.

"I'm sorry, Phil, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry..." he tells between another sobs and tears. I just hold him, admiring that I have the possibility to do so and that he didn't turn me away, that he didn't lock himself up.

"That's fine, you're fine, it's alright" I whisper, somehow trying not to break down myself and stay strong because he needs me. And I can't show that I have no idea how to help him, I can't let him know I myself am scared to death, so freaking scared and worried. About what's going to happen, about what if one day, I'll come home to find him de-

"I'm sorry that I took your phone" I hastily apologize, not wanting to hear that whole sentence in my mind. I hug the boy tighter to my chest, wishing that I could give him some happiness so he isn't so broken anymore. Dan stops crying at this point, his breath still uneven and shaky but there are no more tears coming.

"I'm sorry, Phil" he repeats once again, like he's some sort of broken tape which plays on and on the same already played song or note. I just hug him even tighter, lacking in words.

"I just-" he speaks up but suddenly pauses. I turn my head down to look at him as he stares right through my shirt, his voice distant, "I don't know what I was thinking, Phil. I just wanted-" he stops again, takes a deep breath as he continues on, "I don't even know what I wanted, Phil... I'm... I'm such a mess" he says before he breaks in silent tears again.

"I can't do it, Phil! I just can't!" he cries out and I tell him it will be okay even though I'm not sure about this,

"No, it won't be _okay_! You keep telling that but each time it goes back!" he's on the verge of either breaking down or just pushing everyone away. Either way, I don't like any of the two possible options so I get a firm hold of Dan and slowly stand up, holding him in my arms, bridal style. Dan only curls up more and I try to ease him with comforting words as I make my way toward the lounge.

When we arrive there, I'm about to lay him down on the sofa but Dan's a stubborn llama and does not seem to want to let me go.

"Dan, for a while, okay? I only need to get some blankets for us" he whines for a while but then I feel him nod against my shirt as he lessens his grip and I gently put him down for him to curl up again. Despite it being really adorable, it breaks my heart that he feels the need to turn into a ball to feel safer.

I quickly get a ton of blankets and come back, joining Dan on the sofa. I wrap the materials over our bodies as I sit close to Dan. As soon as he feels I'm here, he snuggles into me and I hug him again, smiling lightly at his cuteness. We lay like that for a while and I take in Dan's slowing down breaths as he leisurely calms down. I drift apart a bit, only to be able to look him in his beautiful chocolate eyes. I place my hands at his arms, trying to give him some comfort this way.

"Dan... I- I need to know this, okay?" I ask stupidly as I don't even wait for his reply.

"When- when did those happen?" I point my head at his arms as Dan curls up even more, hugging himself and I almost swear at my behavior.

"I don't want to upset you, Dan, I just... Can you, please, tell me?" I almost plead him. I don't even know why but this information seems important to me. Maybe I'm just hoping that knowing this will let me better understand, let me finally find out for how long I haven't been noticing, for how long he was pretending and hiding from me.

"T-t-today" he stutters out and I close my eyes as I feel heaviness under my eyelids. I take Dan closer to me, breathing heavily, trying to stay strong despite everything. I take in his sweet scent, being only able to ask one question,

"Was it... was it related with that one post you've seen on Tumblr? The one with the tape?" I quietly whisper, like I'm afraid that someone else could hear us right now. Dan doesn't reply at first, out of a sudden growing silent as he sinks into his thoughts but then he comes back with an answer that I was almost sure I was going to hear but scared to do so at the same time,

"M- maybe..." he whispers back, his voice strained and I bring him even closer, silently repeating,

"Oh Dan...", as I hug him tightly, just wishing for his sadness to go away.

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><p><em><strong>Hi, hope you enjoyed this one!<strong>_

_**Also, I don't have any posting schedule but I'm always trying to write and upload new chapters as soon as I have them done well! :)**_

_**Have a lovely day!**_

_**2nd also, the image described here exists, so I'm giving away the credit for it to its owner!**_

_**3rd also, you can find me on Tumblr and Twitter! It's superasia8 (shameless self promo xD)**_


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